Confused, Drained, and Lost

life as we know it

Wed, 18 Oct 2006 17:59:49 GMT

well yesterday was pretty cool i got my job a radioshack sat around the mall and did nothing like always then went to ja's and i guess rays moving out and they want me to move in im yea i guess im going to move into ja's house with him and dil......its going to be so weird.....oh well..........fun will be had.......partys will be thrown......ppl will get drunk........and ill be the guy in the back making sure no one does anything stupid.........Peice out homies.....

Hurt Myself

Pain is sexual
And I'm horny, I'm horny, horny

I jump in the mosh pit, but I'm alone
Between 4 trees I get it on
My brain is hemorrhaging, it's them or me
It ain't easy knocking over a tree (I pass out)
I wake up the room is padded
It would appear I've had it
But hold up
Close rip, wrap them around my neck
And choke myself to death, no breath
Now I'm out, I'm strapped down
Wait, I can still move my head around
I got about 4 inches between the back of my head
And the metal gurney bed
BOOM!
Slamming it, retractions
BOOM!
I feel the back of my skull is cracking
BOOM!
A broken bone is piercing my brain
And oh, I just hammered it in...

Ahhhhh
Ahh I hurt myself
God I hurt myself
Stop me
Pain, pain
Stop me

I'm sitting in the dark, talking to myself
Why does everybody tell me that I need help?
I'm in love with pain
I take a needle or a knife
And drive that mother fucker through my windpipe
Just might
Take a razor blade
Dip it in some gas
See if I can take a little skin of the calf
Grotesque I'm a walking body bag
And when it all heals I'll pick the scabs

Alone in the casket, buried in the earth
Self-inflicted wounds, blood stains on my t-shirt
Kick out the door till my legs fall off
Try to use my head my skulls to soft
The pain overwhelms shooting through my kidneys
Blood rushes out when I stick a shank in me
Keep stabbing and sticking
And pulling all the blood spitting
And I cut off the oxygen
And take my own life again

Why, tell me why
Do you hurt yourself, when you know I love you
AH STOP ME!
Why, tell me why
Do you hurt yourself, when you know I love you
AH STOP ME!

Do you wanna die? Do you need my help?
Is it self mutilation that you're bringing on yourself
Went through the same situation 1 year ago
I guess that explains all the scars on my throat
Why you still breathing, are you still alive?
Escaping from the deamons that you had locked inside
You death suicidal than come an play my game
One gun, one bullet if you're it no pain

A layer up skin ohhh, I pull it back
And smooth it back down with some simple smack (OUCH)
Wednesday nights I got kicked off my bowling league
Just cause I show up bite a bowling ball and leave
Yea go ahead curse me you faggots
So I throw my legs onto moving cars, you got your habits
I don't consider it hurting myself, it brings me joy
Now shut the fuck up here
Batter up UHHHHAHHH!!

Cut and slice away with a steak knife
Hit myself in the ankle with a PVC pipe
Exacto blade underneath the fingernail
Bleed and make another cut, fucking might as well
Tablespoon of Morton's salt pour it on the wound
If it don't burn you don't know what you doing
If you fail just return to start
Self defecation is a beautiful art

STOP ME!!
STOP ME!!
pain is sexual

pain is sexual
STOP ME!

Lost but don't know y

Tue, 03 Oct 2006 06:26:28 GMT

ok so lots of bad things happened to day by lots i mean 2 but that was enough to ruin my day....got a call from my friend who works at the mall and he said he could get me a job so i went to the mall around 3 waited for my friend and he go there and he got me the job and i was all happy and then someone called the boss told him that i own the mall money and i can't work for them so no job that made my day fall apart a tad then i get hom around 7:45 and tim tells me my girlfriend called and i called her and she said we can't go out anymore b/c her mom told her i was told for and then it just fell apart more oh and i heard courtney(my ex) was saying im a scum bag and a asshole and that she hopes i get arrested.....so yea go me for being a complet and total failer in life and a worthless no good person yay yay yay me.......im out sick of being the one who fails.....Proper Out::dead and departed::

Bullet For My Valentine
All These Things I Hate (Revolve Around Me)

Once more I say goodbye, to you
Things happen but we don't really know why
If it's supposed to be like this, why do most of us ignore the chance to miss?

Oh yeah...

Torn apart at the seams and my dreams turn to tears, I'm not feeling this situation
Run away try to find a safe place you can hide
It's the best place to be when you're feeling like..

Me...(me!)
Yeah...(yeah!)
All these things I hate revolve around
Me...(me!)
Yeah...(yeah!)
Just back off before I snap

Once more you tell those lies, to me
Why can't you just be straight up with honesty?
When you say those things in my ear, why do you always tell me what you wanna hear?

Oh yeah...

Wear your heart on your sleeve, make things hard to believe, I'm not feeling this situation
Run away try to find a safe place you can hide
It's the best place to be when you're feeling like..

Me...(me!)
Yeah...(yeah!)
All these things I hate revolve around
Me...(me!)
Yeah...(yeah!)
Just back off before I snap and you'll see...(see!)
Me...(me!)
All these things I hate revolve around
Me...(me!)
Yeah...(yeah)
Just back off before I snap...

Torn apart at the seams and my dreams turn to tears, I'm not feeling this situation
Run away try to find a safe place you can hide
It's the best place to be when you're feeling like me...

It's the best to be when you're
Me...(me!)
Yeah...(yeah)
All these things I hate revolve around
Me...(me!)
Yeah...(yeah!)
Just back off before I snap and you'll see...(see!)
Me...(me!)
All these things I hate revolve around
Me...(me!)
Yeah...(yeah)
Just back off before I snap...

LOSING MY MIND

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 04:23:19 GMT

for some reason the past few weeks i have been feeling like i've been losing my mind i get these feelings of depression but im not depressed or i might be and don't see it.....im so confused about life....haven't seen my son in forever b/c courtney wants nothing to do with me so she won't let me see him....im so lost....haven't hung out with my friends in a while even though i stay at tim's.....oh well.....im going now.....Proper Out

End Of All Hope
Nightwish

It is the end of all hope
To lose the child, the faith
To end all the innocence
To be someone like me
This is the birth of all hope
To have what I once had
This life unforgiven
It will end with a birth

No will to wake for this morn
To see another black rose born
Deathbed is slowly covered with snow

Angels, they fell first but I'm still here
Alone as they are drawing near
In heaven my masterpiece will finally be sung

Wounded is the deer that leaps highest
And my wound it cuts so deep
Turn off the light and let me pull the plug

Mandylion without a face
Deathwish without a prayer
End of hope
End of love
End of time
The rest is silence

Whoa

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 09:38:44 GMT

Well lets see i have not updated in a while so whats new hmmmmmmm......well got rid of courtney finaly she was a real pain in the ass to me.....go out with kate if anyone care....am very happy yo....have no job that sucks but ill find one soon i hope.....been staying with timmy tim and little not so little danny girl...having loads of fun....haven't been to the mall in a while today was the first time in like a week i think....don'treally like the mall to much drama and emo kids....fucking hate emo kids.....they should do us all a favor and kill themselfs.....well ain't got much more to say but WHERE MY JUGGALOS AT YO

All Right Peice Out Y'all

Love to all my homies

Proper Out::bursts into flames::

Nightwish
"Nemo"

This is me for forever
One of the lost ones
The one without a name
Without an honest heart as compass

This is me for forever
One without a name
These lines the last endeavor
To find the missing lifeline

Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
All I wish is to dream again
My loving heart
Lost in the dark
For hope I`d give my everything
Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
Oh how I wish to dream again
Once and for all
And all for once
Nemo my name forevermore

My flower, withered between
The pages 2 and 3
The once and forever bloom gone with my sins

Walk the dark path
Sleep with angels
Call the past for help
Touch me with your love
And reveal to me my true name

Oh, how I wish...

Nemo sailing home
Nemo letting go

Oh, how I wish...

I'm Alright

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 21:27:29 GMT

I'm Alright
Twiztid

If your reading this
Then I finally did it
I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye
There was no time
Understand I was stressed
Living day to day was hard
And I gave it my best
But there was nothing left
For me in this world
To convince me to stay
Now I'm long gone away
Don't you do that
Don't you start your tears
Just remember all the time we spent over the years
Never cried
Never think bad to me
What's done is done and that's the way it had to be
I need you to be strong for me
Say your prayer everyday in my memory
I'm sure it's helping me
To earn my feathers
To get some wings
And a halo and a harp and angelic things
And even though I'm gone And outta sight
Never worry about me
I'm alright

(x2)
I'm alright
And if I should die
Don't blame yourself and keep it locked inside
I'm alright
And everytime you cry don't breakdown
Just keep me inside in your mind

You only saw the outside
Never knew what I was feeling
Now everyday you lay in bed staring at the ceiling
But you don't see me no more
You can fill your heart with memories
And thanks from before
But everybody got a purpose in life
To survive when the sunrise
You gonna live to see another day
Just don't follow me and live your life your own way
I'll be in set and if you forget
Get the picture with the cord around my neck
See me underground and I'm stuck
But it's cool that's where I wanna be
Keep the drama in hand but outta sight
And know that
I'mma be alright

(x2)
I'm alright
And if I should die
Don't blame yourself and keep it locked inside
I'm alright
And everytime you cry don't breakdown
Just keep me inside in your mind

YAY go me

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 06:40:30 GMT

ok well im updating b/c i have good news 4 me...........well as u may have known i've been very lonely but thats all going to change cause i got my self a girl friend and i feel so much better............i mean she is kinda young but hey im happy so i don't care i think i make her happy to so if u have a problem with that u can come and talk to me about it...........im not going to say who it is b/c im pretty sure she will comment to this so if she wants she can tell u who she is.............im so happy now::happy dance:: but moving on i went to the mall today and i hung out with her and stuff justin and joelle where there(love those 2 they is my family) then me and her and her freind walk around and we sat in the chairs near the pet shop and she sat on my lap and held my hand and stuff then justin sat next to us and joelle sat on his lap it was so cool cause i wasn't feeling all blah and out of place......not like i ever did........anyway i think rachael showed up after that and i gave her a hug and then my girl sat on my lap when we sat next to the windows and we just talk and stuff then someone that lives courtney came over and i talked to him 4 like 10 min.........then i went to work so yea very good day 4 me...........if u can't tell cause i don't uselly update and type alot....but enough of that...........Proper Out::fades away::

Love to my hunny who i hope comes to the mall tomorrow

The End Of Heartache
Killswitch Engage

Seek me, call me
I'll be waiting

This distance, this dissolution
I cling to memories while falling
Sleep brings release, and the hope of a new day
Waking the misery of being without you

Surrender, I give in
Another moment is another eternity

(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

You know me, you know me all too well
My only desire - to bridge our division

In sorrow I speak your name
And my voice mirrors my torment

(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

Am I breathing?
My strength fails me
Your picture, a bitter memory

For comfort, for solace
(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

Tue, 13 Dec 2005 20:17:55 GMT

well time to update....................not much going on..............just plan bored i guess just working and sleeping and stuff...............went to rock'n'bowl where erik(big head)punched a wall and cut his hand::cough::dumn ass::cough:: so yea that was fun i guess...........i let someone wear my belt and didn't get it back yet............lots of drama at the mall this weekend.....i was in it(YAY ME not)..........ppl got back together.........some ppl realized there better off.............i think im getting sick::crys::............still lonely and still looking 4 that specail someone...................well thats all............Proper Out::fades away::

System of a Down
"Violent Pornography"

Everybody, everybody, everybody livin' now.
Everybody, everybody, everybody fucks.
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin' now.
Everybody, everybody, everybody sucks.

Everybody, everybody, everybody livin' now.
Everybody, everybody, everybody cries
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin' now.
Everybody, everybody, everybody dies.

It's a non-stop disco
Bet you it's Nabisco,
Bet you didn't know.

It's a non-stop disco
Bet you it's Nabisco,
Bet you didn't know.

It's a non-stop disco
Bet you didn't know,
Bet you didn't know.

It's a non-stop disco
Bet you didn't know,
Bet you didn't know,
Bet you didn't know.

Everybody, everybody, everybody livin' now.
Everybody, everybody, everybody fucks.
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin' now.
Everybody, everybody, everybody sucks.

Everybody, everybody, everybody livin' now.
Everybody, everybody, everybody dies,
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin' now.
Everybody, everybody, everybody cries.

It's a non-stop disco
Bet you it's Nabisco,
Bet you didn't know.

It's a non-stop disco
Bet you it's Nabisco,
Bet you didn't know.

It's a non-stop disco
Bet you didn't know,
Bet you didn't know.

It's a non-stop disco
Bet you didn't know,
Bet you didn't know,
Bet you didn't know.

It's a violent pornography!
Choking chicks and SODOMY!
The kinda shit you get on your TV!

It's a violent pornography!
Choking chicks and SODOMY!
The kinda shit you get on your TV!

Everybody, everybody, everybody livin' now.
Everybody, everybody, everybody sucks.
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin' now.
Everybody, everybody, everybody fucks.

Everybody, everybody, everybody livin' now.
Everybody, everybody, everybody dies.
Everybody, everybody, everybody livin' now.
Everybody, everybody, everybody cries.

It's a non-stop disco
Bet you it's Nabisco,
Bet you didn't know.

It's a non-stop disco
Bet you it's Nabisco,
Bet you didn't know.

It's a non-stop disco
Bet you didn't know,
Bet you didn't know.

It's a non-stop disco
Bet you didn't know,
Bet you didn't know,
Bet you didn't know.

It's a violent pornography!
Choking chicks and SODOMY!
The kinda shit you get on your TV!

It's a violent pornography!
Choking chicks and SODOMY!
The kinda shit thats on your TV!

It's a violent pornography!
Choking chicks and SODOMY!
The kinda shit thats on your TV!

It's on the TV.
It's on your TV.
Turn off your TV.

Can you say brainwashing?

It's a non-stop disco.

Sat, 03 Dec 2005 01:35:42 GMT

well i know its been awhile but im updating cause someone told me to............so lets see what have i been up to hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm......nothing really just living life taking care of business u ppl know and hanging out trying to some that surtin someone to love me................a few peeps in mind won't say who but if ur smart ull know who's im talking about thats about it so im out...................Proper Out::fades to dust:: Life As A Bullet Papa Roach My mind has been shut down My friends have been let down What is the reason There's millions of reasons Single me out Tear off my front Make me expose what I conceal Life is a bullet The bloodstains prove it It's tearing through you and me Not caring about you or me Now I could explain everything You cursed the fire Now fuck the flame What is the reason There's millions of reasons Blindfold me now Spin me around Picking me up When I fall down Life is a bullet The bloodstains prove it It's tearing through you and me Not caring about you or me Today I feel blue My head is in the clouds Separate me My soul from my body Feeling so lonely I'm not the only one Separate me My soul from my body I'm in love with too many things And I hate every thing

Fri, 18 Nov 2005 06:01:04 GMT

Boiler
Limp Bizkit

Looks like I'm a do everything myself
Maybe I could use some help but hell
You want some done right
You gotta do it yourself
Maybe life is up and down but
My life has been what till now
I crawled up your butt somehow
And that's when things got turned around
I used to be alive
I feel pathetic and now I get it
What's done is done
You just leave it alone and don't regret it
But sometimes some things turn into dumb things
And that's when you put your foot down.

Why did I have to go and meet somebody like you (like you)
Why did you have to go and hurt somebody like me (like me)
How could you do somebody like that (like that)
Hope you know that I'm never coming back (never coming back).

Looks like I'm a do everything myself (everything myself)
Maybe I could use some help but hell
You want some done right
You just do it yourself (got it)
Maybe life is up and down but
My life has been what till now (got it)
I crawled up your butt somehow (got it)
And that's when shit got turned around (got it)
I used to be alive
I'm so pathetic and now I get it
What's done is done
I know you just leave it alone and don't regret it
But sometimes some things turn into dumb things
And that's when you put your foot down.

Why did I have to go and meet somebody like you (like you)
Why did you have to go and hurt somebody like me (like me)
How could you do somebody like that
Hope you know that I'm never coming back (You know that I'm never coming back). (2x)

Depending on you is done
Giving to you is done
No more eating, no sleeping, no living, it's all just more giving to you and I'm done
Depending on you is done
And giving to you is done
No more eating, no sleeping, no living, it's all just more giving to you and I'm done
The hiding from you is done
The lying from you is done
No more eating, no sleeping, no living, it's all just more giving to you and I'm done

Why did I have to go and meet somebody like you (like you)
Why did you have to go and hurt somebody like me (like me)
How could you do somebody like that
Hope you know that I'm never coming back (You know that I'm never coming back). (2x)

Why! (6x)
(You pissed on, you dissed on) (2x)
Why
(Why)

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 08:14:20 GMT

well today went from good to oh so bad.........i went to the mall at 12 and hung out with sean till other came then me sean justin joelle and brian i think jis name was went and played "baseball" then we went back to the mall then i went to work and then to rock'n'bowl i was having fun and then i got a call from my ex courtney cause i was trying to fix thing between us and then shes like i want to brake up with u and i fliped out and broke down and that killed my night so i felt like shit and still do and i still want to kill my self but im not cause everyone would miss me i guess so if anyone cares and want to try to make me feel better just call me if u have my number if u don't have it ask someone who knows me and they might be able to give it to u.....Proper Out::dead inside 4ever:: if u want to know y ill tell u if u ask me........

My Sanity On The Funeral Pyre
Atreyu

Paranoia is the insect working its way
Through my subconscious thoughts
It's the larva of self doubt
Gestating in my heart as I spiral down
And everything I touch is breaking
And it falls to earth in splinters
And I shiver as every splinter
Finds its way underneath my skin
And after 22 years I can still make my skin crawl
Every shortcoming, a pitfall
On my way to making amends
Within myself to be what I became

Sometimes it feels like the whole wide world
Has made itself my enemy
But I will stand upon my own two feet
And raise my head up

I lick my wounds
Trying to cleanse the infection
Rabid and diseased reality fades away
When I pushed myself too far
A dream of emotional perfection
Has left a wounded heart
Trying to perceive the gifts inherent inside me
It's like squeezing the trigger
It's like opening first
On everyone who's let me down
On every beautiful lie that is only fiction
For the first time
I'm losing control and I like it
Freedom feels like the noose is gone